“How can I make a difference or have an impact on my team, without being the leader?”
I have felt this question and heard some version of it many times throughout my life.
I remember being a teenager playing hockey and feeling frustrated because the team had so much potential that wasn’t being reached because there was so much drama on the team. I remember feeling frustrated that the coach wasn’t doing anything about it, and wishing I was in a position of leadership so I could make a difference.
I’ve had team mates complain about how unhappy they are because of how our team is functioning (or not functioning), and how it would all be solved if the leader would “just do xyz.” Or they say, “If I was the leader I would make a difference.”
Or the friends that have needed to vent because a team mate is not pulling their weight, is hard to communicate with, or is just plain difficult for one reason or another. At some point in the conversation, they often say something like, “I wish my coach or boss would do something about it.” or “I wish I had the power (authority) to make a difference.”
The common theme being the belief that if only we were leaders or in a position of authority, we could do something about it. Or the belief that whomever the leader is should do something about it.
Either way, the underlying and unspoken belief is that it is out of our control, and thus not only not our responsibility but we’re helpless to make a difference or change.
I definitely felt this way a LOT when I was younger, and it wasn’t until I had a coach share with me the Circle of Control Model that I began to realize that I often have more opportunity and ability to impact change than I thought.
The Circle of Control Model was a simple yet powerful perspective shift for me.
As pictured, the Circle of Control Model is represented by a circle within a circle, within another circle (3 eccentric circles).
The outer most circle (blue) is everything in our life that is within our concern. Meaning anything and everything that impacts us in some way.
The middle circle (purple) is those things we have some influence over, both direct and indirect.
And the center circle (orange) is everything that we have control over.
Where I often got tripped up was when I wished I had control over something, and I conveniently forgot that although I lacked direct control, I DID still have influence.
Here is the thing – INFLUENCE often feels like it takes SO MUCH MORE effort. It involves other people, and those people are outside of our control. Other people are unpredictable; they can make their own choices. Other people don’t read the script we wrote for how we want the situation to go!
We often have to negotiate, compromise, communicate, circle back, clarify, and empathize with them! And golly gee, that feels like SO MUCH more effort than just making a decision and making it happen on our own!
But here is the thing – we don’t go through life alone! The richness of life comes from connection and relationships with others.
And because of that, our circle of control is MUCH smaller than we think! We are operating in a system WITH other humans who all have their own free will, which has impact on our lives and decisions.
The power comes in realizing that although our circle of control is small, that does not mean we are helpless! There is tremendous potential and opportunity within our circle of influence to make a difference.
When we bring our awareness to and start to explore where we have influence, both directly and indirectly, we have the potential to unlock so much opportunity!
All of a sudden, “It’s outside of my control, there is nothing I can do,” becomes “I’m curious, what can I do? Where can I take action that could impact or influence the outcome?”
Influence holds opportunity!
If we go back to my situation as a teenager from the beginning, on my hockey team where I felt helpless, and take a look at it for opportunities to influence the situation, this is what stands out.
- Although I was not the coach or a captain, and had no direct role of leadership, I could have used my voice to call out greatness in my teammates when I saw it! Drama often stems from insecurity, and where could I have helped ease or counter those insecurities with encouragement?
- I could have checked in on my teammates that weren’t playing their best to see what was going on with them. I could have gotten curious about what was getting in the way of them playing their best. Offering care and compassion instead of frustration and assumptions.
- I could have had a conversation with the coach or the team manager to see if they were aware of the drama and ask if there was anything I could do to help.
I can look back now and see those opportunities for positive influence, but I could not see it at the time. I was too involved in MY experience and how the team drama was influencing ME to even consider how I could have had a positive influence on the team.
Even today, with the knowledge of the model and years of experience, sometimes it is still hard to step outside of my experience to see the situation from a different perspective and open my mind to new opportunities. This is when I turn to my coach for support.
When we are IN an experience or situation, our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and narratives we’ve created about others can often create feelings that make it really hard to see a different perspective.
Coaching is an incredible tool to help gain perspective and uncover opportunities! Coaches bring different perspectives and curiosity to create space for clients to expand their perception, gain new perspective, see new opportunities, and take action to change their experience!
If you are curious how coaching could help you expand your perspective and increase opportunities to have a positive influence on your life and in your relationships, book a free discovery call today!
