Have you ever been in a season where it just feels like you can’t do anything right? Like the walls are closing in, and you worry everyone will find out that despite doing your best, you actually have no idea what you are doing?
You fear that you will lose people or lose the respect of people you care deeply about? You fear that you’ll let down or disappoint the amazing people who believed in you, cheered you on, supported you, or gave you an opportunity?
I was smack in the middle of this swirl of feelings early this spring, and despite having tools and resources to tap into, I was really struggling to get my feet on solid ground, and I could not figure out why. I was lacking confidence and no amount of reframing my thoughts or tapping into moments of confidence from the past was making a difference.
That was, until the ball season ended, and I began to feel the swirl of self-doubt and insecurity dissipating, and the first glimmers of confidence starting to shine back through.
Ball could not have been the cause though, could it? Confidence is supposed to be internal, not based on external circumstances or validation, there had to be more to it.
Reflecting on the season, I knew going into the ball season that I had a LOT to learn, and I thought I had set my expectations accordingly. I didn’t expect to be perfect; I went in curious, seeking out feedback and was persistent in my pursuit to learn and become a better softball coach.
I went in with the belief that I could figure it out. All I needed was time and space to put in the reps, and support to learn and grow. And isn’t that the definition of confidence? Not some arrogant belief that I am awesome, but a grounded belief in oneself that we can figure it out.
And that is when it hit me:
I did not feel safe to make mistakes or fail on this ball team.
I didn’t have the space or supports to make a mistake, learn and grow from it.
I didn’t feel like I had space to figure it out, I felt I had to be without fault all the time.
And that is where my confidence took a hit. Despite having the self-belief that I am capable of becoming a good softball coach, I was not in an environment that felt safe or supportive of the process I needed to get there.
I realized that to build confidence isn’t just about believing in myself and my ability to do or learn to do the thing. Confidence is also the belief that I will be okay if I make a mistake or don’t succeed.
The below drawing came out of my attempts to make sense of why my confidence took such a hit this ball season:
Confidence is a complex system, fed by 2 beliefs: The first is a belief that I can – I can learn and grow and figure it out. The second is a belief that I will be okay, even if I can’t do it right away.
Think of the two beliefs as pumps in the confidence system. The pumps are fed by inputs:
- The belief that I can is fed by clear expectations, an understanding of how to meet those expectations, current skills, and a belief that I can learn to bridge the gap between where I am and where I need to be to succeed.
- The belief that I will be okay is fed by people and environments that I feel safe to make mistakes, feel supported (not ridiculed) when I struggle, and where my belonging is not conditional on my success.
And as long as there are adequate inputs into each pump, the system works, and confidence flows freely.
And because each input is independent, the system can operate even if one input is running low. If the total inputs to each pump are sufficient, the systems continues to function and confidence flows.
However, if multiple inputs are low, the total capacity in the system may not be significant enough to keep the pumps running. Without sufficient inputs, the system falters and the flow of confidence sputters out.
If you are at a moment in your life where your confidence is feeling low, take a look at your system and check that you have adequate inputs.
Do you have clear expectations to know what success looks like and what you are striving towards? Can you see and understand the path to success? Do you have the skills, or can you learn the skills needed to follow the path and meet the expectations?
Is the culture you are playing within safe to make mistakes or are you ridiculed or punished when you trip up? Do you have supports available if you hit a wall, or are you left to struggle on your own? And finally, do you feel like your safety, acceptance, or belonging in the group is conditional on your success, and failure doesn’t feel like an option? Do you trust that you will belong, regardless of the outcome?
Knowing what is happening in the system gives us data to take action to make changes and get the confidence flowing again. We may not have control over all inputs, but identifying which inputs we DO have control over and which we have influence on can have a significant impact on our confidence!
To learn more about the difference between what is within our control and what is within our influence, check out this blog article.
Within a few days of ball season wrapping up, I felt self-doubt begin to dissipate and the confidence begin to creep back in. I had cleared that block from the system and the confidence was beginning to flow once again.
Confidence IS an inside job, but the external environment we play in and the safety we feel to make mistakes, learn and grow also plays a significant role in our confidence to take risks.
If you are struggling with confidence and want to explore what might be getting in the way, book a free discovery call with me today. Coaching is a great space to unpack what is getting in the way of the things we want more of in our life!
